When I look back on my life then there is just no way that I can not believe in God. I see His hand so clearly on my life that it literally brings me to tears every time I think about it. But let me start at the beginning…
When my mother was pregnant with me my father had moved out and was living with another woman. She also became pregnant with his child at the same time as my mother was pregnant with me. So he didn’t want two kids at the same time I guess so he just denied that I was his child. Yes, he rejected me. He even went as far a setting my grandmother’s house on fire very early one morning while everyone was still asleep. My mom lived there while she was pregnant with me. Yes, I guess that’s how bad he didn’t want me.
It didn’t work: a Muslim lady happened to walk by the house and after he had set the house on fire and left, she quickly knocked on some doors and windows and managed to wake the family up. The fire could thus be stopped. I call that the hand of God. So you see I wasn’t even supposed to be here! I was supposed to die before I was even born.
I know the pain of rejection by a father, but I also have come to know the love and complete acceptance of my heavenly Father, one who would never reject me. I was a planned baby! Yes, I was planned by my heavenly Father. I came as no surprise to Him. I call Him ABBA Father, He really is that to me. Growing up I didn’t see much of my biological father. He preferred his new family over ours and hardly paid child support. My mom had to work hard to make ends meet and she received a lot of help from family. My parents divorced of course.
Whenever my dad would come to see us he would often come with violence. He was very abusive and my poor brother( may his soul rest in peace) was often the one bearing the brunt of this violence. I was happy to not see my father, often years went by without me seeing or hearing from him. Then suddenly one day he would appear and demand to see us and in the process fight with us. Just violence. He often came to see us drunk. But praise God I survived that too.
Well, my father’s violence culminated in him shooting and killing someone. He went to jail for it. Now imagine the stigma of having a father who was in jail and you’re over here trying to live right, go to university, climb the corporate ladder etc. and your father is in jail. I cringed every time someone asked me about my dad. I ended up just telling people that I don’t know where my father was and that I had lost contact with him. It was just easier. I was ashamed and scared of what people would think and say at the time.
I started living in fear when I read the Bible verse about the sins of the father falling on the children, I didn’t understand it completely because I was not very close to God at the time. I certainly didn’t want his sins to fall on me!
And so life went on, he came out of jail. I gave him the honour of walking me down the aisle at my wedding. I forgave him for all the things he had done to our family. God does say to honour your mother and father. Now that doesn’t mean that we are close now or that I give him a front seat in my life, but forgiveness does bring freedom. I was able to move on.
Well and so I thought that the whole murder thing was over. It was not. A day before his 38th birthday my brother was stabbed to death by an acquaintance. The parallels between my brothers killing and the man that my father killed are striking: in both cases, it was a heart wound that killed them, both were killed around their birthdays, both were killed on a weekend, they were about the same age…. Makes one wonder. It still grieves my heart today to have lost my brother in such a violent manner.
I worked hard at school because I knew I wanted a better life for myself. My mother was a teacher and she couldn’t afford to send me to university, but God made a way. A relative offered to help me by paying for my studies. Praise God. He is a way-maker!
There are many in life who thought that I wouldn’t make it. They said that some things are just not meant for people like me. Some even said that the whole family is cursed. Well not me, I am under the blood! I have been redeemed from the curse of the law. Can you see now why I praise God? He really is awesome.
Friend, today I want to encourage you not to listen to the voices of negativity in your life. The ones that say that you are not good enough, that you can’t make it and that some things are just not meant for you. Or even that you live in the wrong country or city(I live in South Africa). They are just pure evil. Listen to what your heavenly Father says about you. THAT is the truth. He really is a way-maker, a miracle – worker and a light in the darkness.
Today I am married to a wonderful man and we have two beautiful daughters, I am university educated and I have a thriving online career and business working from home. This is all through the grace of God and I praise and worship Him for it. I am so thankful to God. I love the Lord, I really do love the Lord. He really is who He says he is. Trust Him and take Him at His Word.
If you see me today and it looks like I have it all together, well I don’t have it ALL together. And the parts that I do have together, please remember that it came at a price. I give God the glory for it and I am so grateful. It wasn’t easy, I have worked hard on myself and it is by the grace of God that I have come this far, but I am not where I could and should be yet. I have been refined by the fire and I am still being refined. I am a still a work-in-progress. God often uses broken people to do His work, it’s the heart that matters. He can use you just as you are.
This is one of my favourite songs, it’s called Way-maker. That is who God is to me, my Abba-Father way-maker.